Caitlyn might as well go back to being Bruce

Publish date: 2024-04-22

Was it all a big, fat, transgender oopsie?

Is Caitlyn Jenner, the most fabulous trans individual ever to strap a bra over budding boobs and squeeze wrinkly buns into extra-extra-large pantyhose, ready to hang up her high heels, trash her female hormones and return to life as a man named Bruce?

It makes sense. A depraved, twisted kind of sense. As if the public has been played by a mistress, toying with our heads like kittens with string. For Cait is a devious narcissist who learned her craft at the feet of the Kardashian clan, the most shameless, self-absorbed, attention-seeking hucksters ever to roam the reality-TV universe — until Cait.

I’m not transphobic in the least. I support people’s rights to live, work, date and marry as the genders with which they self-identify. (I just want any stranger equipped with junk to keep the hell out of my bathroom.)

Ian Halperin, author of “Kardashian Dynasty: The Controversial Rise of America’s Royal Family’’ (Simon & Schuster), argues convincingly that Cait suffers from a wicked case of buyer’s remorse, and is set to “de-transition’’ back into a dude within the next three years. Halperin left the claim out of his book because, he says, he didn’t have sufficient confirmation. Until now.

Caitlyn’s rep vigorously denies that Team Female is to lose this lady.

But her Christian values and deep-seated homophobia, Halperin told The Post’s Page Six, are at odds with her dalliance with a crew whose members pee sitting down.

To me, Cait revealed her discomfort with wearing lipstick when she came out as a Republican to ABC’s Diane Sawyer last year. This puts her politically and ideologically, if not stylistically, in step with North Carolina’s GOP governor. He signed into law a measure prohibiting pre-op transgenders from using the state’s public-school and government bathrooms and locker rooms except as traditionally assigned — infuriating leftist celebs such as Bruce Springsteen and setting the stage for a court showdown between North Carolina officials and the Obama administration.

In a fit of spewing too much information, Cait announced that she’s still attracted to women. On her cringe-worthy E! reality TV show, “I Am Cait,’’ she said she doesn’t plan to bed men until such time when, and if, she chooses to have her penis surgically removed, a step she ’s unenviously conflicted about taking. This means that the God-fearing, conservative, possibly queer-unfriendly former man in a dress is a lesbian.

My head hurts.

I haven’t a clue what goes on 6 feet, 2 inches above the ground, where the top of Caitlyn’s cranium resides. I do know that she’s a soulless fame whore whose drug of choice is cheap publicity. The kind she has won for reportedly agreeing to pose, starkers, for a photo on the cover of Sports Illustrated magazine this summer, her male bits obscured by an American flag and the Olympic gold medal she won as a he in 1976.

Somewhere, Betsy Ross weeps. Jesse Owens is appalled. At Caitlyn’s mature age of 66, defiling a flag and a medal by using them as loincloths is not just unpatriotic and potentially unsanitary. It’s visually gross.

Halperin insists that his sources are right about Cait’s change of heart. “She has good spin doctors and good publicists,” he told Page Six. “They can deny it all they want. . . Take a polygraph test and let’s see who’s telling the truth.”

Cait has set herself up as the leading champion of transgender civil rights. But people I’ve talked with who contend they were born with the wrong genitals refuse to take life lessons from a rich right-wing phony.

Caitlyn Jenner might as well go back to being Bruce Jenner.

Bill comes due for Hill

Hillary Clinton is the Democratic presidential front-runner — which means it’s time for Bill to get snared in another bimbo eruption.

The latest object of his supposed lust is the wealthy, busty, babelicious, divorced co-owner of a for-profit company that provides money-saving insulation to rural folks. Julie Tauber McMahon, 56, is rumored to be the lady nicknamed “Energizer” by Secret Service agents for her energetic, unfettered access to the former prez as soon as his wife left their house in Westchester, minutes from her own place.

The Clinton Global Initiative arranged for a $2 million commitment to McMahon’s firm in 2010, and Bill Clinton helped steer an $812,000 federal grant to the company, the Wall Street Journal reported, noting that under federal law, tax-exempt nonprofits like his are not supposed to act in anyone’s private interest. An initiative rep said the payouts were legal.

One thing is certain: Bill had better duck before coming across his wife.

Hugs from Thugs

A thug with a history of arrests for allegedly punching women displayed a sign peddling “FREE HUGS’’ in Times Square last week — then was busted after punching a tourist in the eye when she refused to fork over $5 for a picture taken in the guy’s “free’’ embrace, cops say. A law meant to rein in tip-seeking cretins infesting The Crossroads of The World and other places has yet to take effect.

Please, kick out the slimeballs! Now.

Picking on Woody is bananas!

Woody Allen was never convicted, much less charged criminally, with molesting his and ex-girlfriend Mia Farrow’s adopted daughter, Dylan Farrow, as a child. But Mia, 71, for decades has waged a campaign against her ex-beau, who creepily married her adopted daughter Soon-Yi Previn, 45. Farrow convinced Dylan, 30, that her dad’s a monster.

At Cannes on Wednesday, a French comedian hurled a rape “joke’’ at the auteur, 80, at the premiere of his new movie, “Café Society.’’ His and Mia’s biological son, Ronan Farrow, 28, penned an essay against Woody in The Hollywood Reporter the same day.

Woody called the brouhaha “silly.’’ He’s right. These attempts to kill his career are vengeful and mean-spirited. Give it a rest.

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